it's not you, it's me

i've been coming to a realization the past couple of weeks. this shouldn't be a surprise because i've been coming to a lot of realizations lately. actually, it's not even a realization. it's more like, a confrontation with something i completely put aside because i was in denial about it being THE root cause of what was making it so hard for me to be with someone, or pursue someone i was completely interested in. i also didn't want to give my ex that much credit. in any case, i joke a lot about being single, and the dilemmas and trials and tribulations of... i enjoy being single–the freedom, the 'not-having-to-be-obligated' to do some things, making decisions and plans only for myself and no other... everything that comes with not being in a relationship, basically. but while being single is great, and every article/quote/aphorism for single people out there advises them to welcome, embrace, and accept it, i still long to be with someone. yea, it sucks to be single most of the time. mostly because i've been doing it for a while now, and you can only tell yourself so many times, "who cares if i'm going to this event by myself?," or, "damn, i wish i could share this moment with someone oh well just be grateful that i'm even alive right now," or, pretending to enjoy your solitude so much you don't realize you're actually feeling really lonely... and alone. advice related to: don't ever go to dinner at a restaurant alone. breakfast, lunch, brunch is ok. but dinner, no!

back to this realization, confrontation, whatever you wanna call it... it's familiar to most, and might not even be that surprising. this thing that i speak of, this evil thing that keeps us from growing and becoming better people... this gross thing... is... FEAR!!! yikes. fear of getting hurt, fear of losing everything you gave to make something work, fear of feeling jealous, insecure, distrust, fear of having to go through the motions after a break-up... fear, fear, fear...

some background, perhaps? i was in a relationship with someone for almost six years. we were a month shy of reaching six, to be exact. looking back, a huge part of me wishes i could have cut it short to three or something, or whenever it felt so very wrong already. but when you're young and in love, it makes you stupid. anyway, the relationship ended badly, so bad i hyperventilated and didn't know what to do with myself except sit in my car and cry hysterically while also trying to come up with a plan for vengeance. haha. not really. it was the most painful thing i'd ever gone through that i think i would rather have a spinal tap than have to go through it again (i'll be eating these words if that ever happens, i know). after that relationship were a few failed attempts at dating, and short-lived relationships, and of course with that, were more heartaches. certainly, at this point i've learned a lot of things, except those "lot of things" didn't include really facing those fears. i thought i was good to go again after i felt like i'd "healed" or whatever. it's been almost six years since i've had a "real" relationship (why am i constantly running through the six with my woes?), but with this realization, i feel like i'm back to where square one beta version. actually, more like squareone.6. there are and will be lots of glitches, but man, i'mma try to make it to the real deal holyfield.

sidenote: if i could, though it's probably too late and everyone's moved on, i would say sorry and apologize to some of the guys that put a lot of effort and all i did was push them away. it's not you, it's me.