practice, practice, practice

I was surprised the other day when I walked into yoga and my favorite teacher was there, sitting on a stool and said to me, "Mae, how long have you been doing yoga? I was going to tell you last night before you left that you have gotten so strong." She has told me this a few times during class and thought it was just shallow motivation, but it's never meant so much to me until she told me personally, that very moment. I then thanked her for so much that I've learned in the 50+ days I've been attending through her guidance and motivation. It felt great to have mutual gratitude for one another.

Still, to this day, I'm surprised of all the things I've been able to do and all of the things I've learned about myself. I remember seeing students do these awkward and crazy poses in class and think, "Holy shit, that looks scary and I don't think I'm capable of that." So you try and it doesn't happen. It doesn't feel right. You let yourself rest for a couple of days, try again and all of a sudden, there you are. When you let go of the "I can't," you'd be surprised. It was all in my mind. It makes me think back to all the times I said "I can't," and think "Could I have?" As I've said before, when you allow the mind to be open and strong, it will happen. Being physically able to accomplish the poses are a huge factor, but your body will not if your mind does not. When you find that balance and your body is saying, "Yes, this feels right," then you know you all of you is in sync. It's taken a lot of patience and plenty, plenty of practice. Plenty. Of. Practice. And it's all been worth it.

Note: I know I've been talking about yoga a lot lately. It's just really exciting to me to have these accidental discoveries about myself. None of it is a coincidence, though, as I'm sure it's also probably been trying to find me.

Be prepared for the next post because it will be about my favorite feminine products.

bikram broke my groin

shortly after I'd wondered why I had the constant need to "open up my hips" (in terms of yoga), a couple of students and the teacher, out of nowhere, said that's where a lot of our emotional baggage is stored. I never asked, said a word or mentioned it, but it was like they read my mind! I also googled it and it's true, true because I felt a difference even before knowing why. there was even a day where I felt so light that nothing mattered, like I was floating. man, it was bliss.

speaking of yoga, My 30-day Bikram challenge isn't going so well. it's become more like "every-other-day Bikram challenge." I mean, Bikram is good. I like Bikram. I LOVE to sweat. I get used to the heat, and the smell isn't really bad unless you're taking a class right after another. I like seeing how far I could go but also being conscious of my "edge." and this is where my problem with Bikram is. I don't know if other people have experienced the same thing, and this is just my logic speaking which is already pretty questionable anyway, but when you're in a 105 degree room and your muscles are loose, is it possible to take yourself over your edge without realizing it because of how loose your muscles are? am I crazy? I woke up one morning after a great night with Bikram and I had pain in my groinal area. is groinal even a word? I don't care whatever. upper, right hind groin. there. I've never even gotten aches from running, dancing, hiking, or regular yoga! it's kind of been around for a little over a week and it hurts to do stretches. I'm thinking I pulled a muscle but I'm no doctor so it doesn't really matter, does it?

regular yoga, on the other hand, just keeps getting better and better. I surprise myself with what I'm capable of. still struggling to quiet the mind, but I love it, everytime.

unlearn + think + understand + accept

whoa. I'm stressed out.

thinking about doing my resignation letter in the form of a Powerpoint presentation.
should I spice it up even more and add Excel to the mix? Word.

I hate getting emotional at work. I had no idea how attached I was to my job until I broke down and cried when I gave my two-week notice two nights ago. most of it had to do with missing the love I had for it and trying relentlessly to find that love again for so long until it suddenly became a burden. it felt like I was breaking up with someone I loved dearly but knew it was no longer working out, like a relationship that had gone past its expiration date. you know something isn't right, but a part of you keeps saying there's a solution and it will be fixed. you can only tell yourself that so many times. it's exhausting!

I'm going to take a month off to reboot. then I'm running away to Paris to become a mime.

the moon, mukluks, scar tissue...

When I was in junior high school, I'd wanted Henry Rollins to be my boyfriend. I didn't want him to be a romantic boyfriend, just a "best friend forever" boyfriend I could hang out with after school. I was scared as hell of him, but thought he must make the most interesting friend ever, kind of in the same way I think Ewan McGregor would make a great beer-drinking, motorcylce travelin' buddy. Anyway, I've read Get in the Van and even went to a Henry Rollins book-signing at Tower Records back in the day. Henry has said and written a lot of things that resonate with me.

“The moon will never lie to anyone. Be like the moon. No one hates the moon or wants to kill it. The moon does not take antidepressants and never gets sent to prison. The moon never shot a guy in the face and ran away. The moon has been around a long time and has never tried to rip anyone off. The moon does not care who you want to touch or what color you are. The moon treats everyone the same. The moon never tries to get in on the guest list or use your name to impress others. Be like the moon. When others insult or belittle in an attempt to elevate themselves, the moon sits passively and watches, never lowering itself to anything that weak. The moon is beautiful and bright. It needs no makeup to look beautiful. The moon never shoves clouds out of its way so it can be seen. The moon needs not fame or money to be powerful. The moon never asks you to go to war to defend it. Be like the moon.” 
- Solipsist

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.”
- the Portable Henry Rollins

“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have”

“I want a soul mate who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me ten things I don’t already know, and make me laugh. I don’t care what you look like, just turn me on. And if you can do that, I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth. I will do your windows. I will care about your feelings.
Just have something in there.”

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”

“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”

bikram

"The profound scent of fritos, sweat, and wet socks wafts through Bikram's musty, 105 degree enclosed den."

This is what went through my mind when I first stepped into the damp, stank room on my first day of Bikram yoga. I thought it would take a few minutes to get used to the smell, but it took all 90-minutes of class. Actually, I didn't get used to it. I just had to tolerate it.

Bikram was hard. The heat, man. The 105 degree heat! The flow of poses is something I also need to get used to. Being on your feet/hands + knees then down on your back to savasana then back up again... I remember thinking, "Can't we stay in savasana for like 2 minutes?"  There's no downward-facing dog or child's pose here, which is what I usually do when I need to get my back to my breath. I needed to do that a few times, especially when I started to feel lightheaded and my vision got cloudy. Yea, I almost fainted, but that's probably better than vomiting. There also isn't any quiet time for consciousness of breath/meditation in the beginning and end of class. I've grown accustomed to doing it that way. At about an hour into the 90-minute class, I was already done and wanting it to be over, but that was only my first time. I'm going to give it more chances to see if I can get used to it, or at least concentrate on the good of it than the difficulty.

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