my belly aches and my heart breaks from missing san francisco so much. i've been thinking a lot about decisions i've made, and whether or not they were the "right" decisions. my thoughts are spinning round and round... but, it's not like everything was easy up there either. after having lived in berkeley, i had this vision of living in a studio cottage with gardens surrounding it. it was completely possible, but circumstances hindered those possibilities. i feel like i also didn't give it enough of a chance, and this is where i can't seem to let go. i left too soon. the 'what-ifs' have been creeping in faster than fire spreading on dry brush. regardless, a lot happened in the one year i lived up there. even the "struggles" were worth it. i don't regret any of the things that happened, and in fact, no matter how hard things got, looking back, it was one of the experiences i felt alive. i didn't and don't disclose much about the things that happened, but it was probably where the real growth started. in any case, i would rather have gone through the struggles and cried and pried my way through than not having gone through them at all.

so now i'm back in la. basically, i came back because i missed it, but mostly because i had to choose between struggling, or having it the easy way. the easy way truly doesn't buy happiness, but at the same time, there's a relief in knowing you're taken care of and in good hands, except now, it feels too comfortable, and i'm uncomfortable with that. what is the term for someone who thrives on challenges and struggles vs. safety and comfort?

like i said, round and round...

calm me down

i always get super excited when i think about visiting norcal again, particularly when there's a three-day weekend, or any longer than two-day weekends really... this past weekend was mlk's birthday and i so wanted to and had plans of visiting. alas, friends' schedules couldn't be aligned, so i stayed home and organized more things around my new apartment and did some more yoga. did i mention i now live in my very own studio? after so many years of sharing living space with other people, there's no other liberating feeling than to have your own space. i walk around naked if that gives you a clear definition of "liberating." i do for me and no one else. i'm enjoying this quite well...

(i'm trying to revive the gifted plants above due to being neglected from having moved twice in five months and taking care of some business. no excuses, i know. i have three more that i need to save and so many more i want to get to put around the studio.)

so, norcal. i know i often stress how much i miss it, so i try to visit as much as i can, only because there are friends that live there that i treasure greatly. and mostly because nature is so beautiful up there. i daydream often when i'm at work, sitting at my desk, staring at my computer screen, how nice it would be to be hiking up a mountain, even as cold as it could be, to just feel that kind of air hit your skin, enter your lungs, and become one with it. sounds dramatic i know, but i dream it all the time. it's a feeling. it's a feeling.

come february, i will be in you, norcal, for a sweet valentine visit! i can't wait to be one with you again.