it's not you, it's me

i've been coming to a realization the past couple of weeks. this shouldn't be a surprise because i've been coming to a lot of realizations lately. actually, it's not even a realization. it's more like, a confrontation with something i completely put aside because i was in denial about it being THE root cause of what was making it so hard for me to be with someone, or pursue someone i was completely interested in. i also didn't want to give my ex that much credit. in any case, i joke a lot about being single, and the dilemmas and trials and tribulations of... i enjoy being single–the freedom, the 'not-having-to-be-obligated' to do some things, making decisions and plans only for myself and no other... everything that comes with not being in a relationship, basically. but while being single is great, and every article/quote/aphorism for single people out there advises them to welcome, embrace, and accept it, i still long to be with someone. yea, it sucks to be single most of the time. mostly because i've been doing it for a while now, and you can only tell yourself so many times, "who cares if i'm going to this event by myself?," or, "damn, i wish i could share this moment with someone oh well just be grateful that i'm even alive right now," or, pretending to enjoy your solitude so much you don't realize you're actually feeling really lonely... and alone. advice related to: don't ever go to dinner at a restaurant alone. breakfast, lunch, brunch is ok. but dinner, no!

back to this realization, confrontation, whatever you wanna call it... it's familiar to most, and might not even be that surprising. this thing that i speak of, this evil thing that keeps us from growing and becoming better people... this gross thing... is... FEAR!!! yikes. fear of getting hurt, fear of losing everything you gave to make something work, fear of feeling jealous, insecure, distrust, fear of having to go through the motions after a break-up... fear, fear, fear...

some background, perhaps? i was in a relationship with someone for almost six years. we were a month shy of reaching six, to be exact. looking back, a huge part of me wishes i could have cut it short to three or something, or whenever it felt so very wrong already. but when you're young and in love, it makes you stupid. anyway, the relationship ended badly, so bad i hyperventilated and didn't know what to do with myself except sit in my car and cry hysterically while also trying to come up with a plan for vengeance. haha. not really. it was the most painful thing i'd ever gone through that i think i would rather have a spinal tap than have to go through it again (i'll be eating these words if that ever happens, i know). after that relationship were a few failed attempts at dating, and short-lived relationships, and of course with that, were more heartaches. certainly, at this point i've learned a lot of things, except those "lot of things" didn't include really facing those fears. i thought i was good to go again after i felt like i'd "healed" or whatever. it's been almost six years since i've had a "real" relationship (why am i constantly running through the six with my woes?), but with this realization, i feel like i'm back to where square one beta version. actually, more like squareone.6. there are and will be lots of glitches, but man, i'mma try to make it to the real deal holyfield.

sidenote: if i could, though it's probably too late and everyone's moved on, i would say sorry and apologize to some of the guys that put a lot of effort and all i did was push them away. it's not you, it's me.

"MY DREAM MAN"

i'm going to share something i've kept to myself until only recently. i share it only because i've gotten really great, helpful responses, suggestions, and even questions about it that made me think about some of the things in it, from both male and female friends.

i made a list of what i would ideally want in a man about three years ago as a reminder/guide to myself after having failed attempts at dating/relationships. the list has changed and will continue to do so over time, end eventually become non-existent when i'm 80 and alone. also, since the first question every person has asked is, "what if he doesn't possess some of these qualities/traits/characteristics, is it a deal-breaker?" of course not. i'm completely aware that a man who fulfills this list completely, doesn't exist, hence the title, "DREAM MAN?" i have to be flexible and open when getting to know someone, and even being in a relationship with him...

let me cringe for a second before you read the list, because i feel like this is exposing a lot of me, but is also something i really want to share.

aaaand GO!

cuddle app

i never thought the day would come, but my mom wants to fix me up with someone, someone who is the brother of a friend, is also a graphic designer, and filipino, of all things. "why won't you date filipino guys?" she asks. "because they could be a distant cousin and i also don't want to date anyone that reminds me of any of my male relatives." i said. she acknowledged it and continued playing bejeweled blitz on her kindle.

these days and at this age, i don't know what's worse: being single, being in a relationship, or dating. i'm currently trying to bask in the former, endured the medial, and shunning the latter. 

i enjoy being single as much as i enjoy the "extraction" part of a facial. i mean, being single has its definite advantages. you don't have to take into consideration another person's feelings, schedule, friends, family, interests... you're not constrained to another person's way of life. you can do whatever you want, whenever the hell you want! then, there's the loneliness. the loneliness that creeps in too many times and usually unexpectedly and it makes me want to rip my heart out everytime! aaaaaaah! i wish i knew better how to embrace it, but gotdamn it eats me up inside. and then you reach a point where you try to appreciate singledom so much that going to the movies alone starts to feel more comfortable than going with someone else. or you joke about someone coming up with a cuddle app like it's going to rescue you from it. it's hard to be realistic when you know the ideal doesn't exist. i just want my soul mate to show up at my doorstep and we can be on our merry way, hiking up a mountain or biking together into the sunset. the only thing i can think of, though, is that my soul mate is probably making love to someone else right now. the laughter quickly turns into tears at the thought of that.

if being single is intolerable, then relationships are dreadful. being in one is hard, no? where do i start? or should i just end it here? oh, funny, 'cause that's the exact thought i have when i'm in one. relationships are a disappointing battle: always fought for, hardly won. i don't want to delve into my experiences, but i have had no regrets, except for that one time when i... no, i won't go there. it's great when things are good and it's horrible when things are bad. and when the break-up happens, well, i'll spare stating what we all already know. 

then there's dating. le sigh. LE SIGH. i mean, what the fuck? i either end up with guys who want more or guys who want less. where's the balance, man? i've given up on this. "but how would you find your soul mate if you're not out there dating?" one might ask. i never believed in the "knight in shining armor (disheveled, shy, softspoken dude) will rescue me from having fallen off my horse (bike) and sweep me off my feet (toe socks)" fairytale, but it's never sounded so good until now. i'm not a "dater." i've tried it. i have, at one point, dated two guys at once, and while it might not be a big deal to a lot of people, it was just not for me. as a friend said, i'm just "genetically monogamous." dating feels forced and unnatural. "where did you go to school?", "what did you major in?", "what are your hobbies?", "any siblings?"... i absolutely hate going through it. whether dating to be in a relationship or because you can't stand the loneliness or for reasons to fulfill the need to "release some energy," forget about it! i'd rather just skip it all. when you're dating to find "the one," it's like desperation setting in. you're already on that mind set of finding him and when the closest person comes along that's seemingly a soul mate, you settle. deep disappointment and regret comes out of that. then there's the loneliness. so many people make the mistake of letting their loneliness drive them into the arms of a person they know is not right for them. i know it because i've done it. as for that "release"? well, there are booty calls, one-night stands, friends with benefits... most of us have partaken in it, but i prefer to have some emotional connection for any of that "release" to be satisfyingly fulfilled than to have a hella fine guy with a shitty personality be there for those kinds of activities.

so, after having enough failed attempts at relationships and dating, i'm joining a convent. it's either that or becoming the crazy cat lady but i'm allergic to cats which means i'll only be crazy. sorry, i disappoint. for now, i daydream about my soul mate and i, staring lovingly into each others' eyes... running together into the sunset... talking nonsense and loving it, planning vacations, attending parties, making babies, saving up for sustainable housing, driving identical hybrid cars, wait, what?! ok, maybe not so much about the latter three... if not a soul mate, just a great, respectful lover— er, friend, i meant FRIEND, will do. i mean, he doesn't necessarily have to be "the one," but he definitely shouldn't break my heart either.