cuddle app

i never thought the day would come, but my mom wants to fix me up with someone, someone who is the brother of a friend, is also a graphic designer, and filipino, of all things. "why won't you date filipino guys?" she asks. "because they could be a distant cousin and i also don't want to date anyone that reminds me of any of my male relatives." i said. she acknowledged it and continued playing bejeweled blitz on her kindle.

these days and at this age, i don't know what's worse: being single, being in a relationship, or dating. i'm currently trying to bask in the former, endured the medial, and shunning the latter. 

i enjoy being single as much as i enjoy the "extraction" part of a facial. i mean, being single has its definite advantages. you don't have to take into consideration another person's feelings, schedule, friends, family, interests... you're not constrained to another person's way of life. you can do whatever you want, whenever the hell you want! then, there's the loneliness. the loneliness that creeps in too many times and usually unexpectedly and it makes me want to rip my heart out everytime! aaaaaaah! i wish i knew better how to embrace it, but gotdamn it eats me up inside. and then you reach a point where you try to appreciate singledom so much that going to the movies alone starts to feel more comfortable than going with someone else. or you joke about someone coming up with a cuddle app like it's going to rescue you from it. it's hard to be realistic when you know the ideal doesn't exist. i just want my soul mate to show up at my doorstep and we can be on our merry way, hiking up a mountain or biking together into the sunset. the only thing i can think of, though, is that my soul mate is probably making love to someone else right now. the laughter quickly turns into tears at the thought of that.

if being single is intolerable, then relationships are dreadful. being in one is hard, no? where do i start? or should i just end it here? oh, funny, 'cause that's the exact thought i have when i'm in one. relationships are a disappointing battle: always fought for, hardly won. i don't want to delve into my experiences, but i have had no regrets, except for that one time when i... no, i won't go there. it's great when things are good and it's horrible when things are bad. and when the break-up happens, well, i'll spare stating what we all already know. 

then there's dating. le sigh. LE SIGH. i mean, what the fuck? i either end up with guys who want more or guys who want less. where's the balance, man? i've given up on this. "but how would you find your soul mate if you're not out there dating?" one might ask. i never believed in the "knight in shining armor (disheveled, shy, softspoken dude) will rescue me from having fallen off my horse (bike) and sweep me off my feet (toe socks)" fairytale, but it's never sounded so good until now. i'm not a "dater." i've tried it. i have, at one point, dated two guys at once, and while it might not be a big deal to a lot of people, it was just not for me. as a friend said, i'm just "genetically monogamous." dating feels forced and unnatural. "where did you go to school?", "what did you major in?", "what are your hobbies?", "any siblings?"... i absolutely hate going through it. whether dating to be in a relationship or because you can't stand the loneliness or for reasons to fulfill the need to "release some energy," forget about it! i'd rather just skip it all. when you're dating to find "the one," it's like desperation setting in. you're already on that mind set of finding him and when the closest person comes along that's seemingly a soul mate, you settle. deep disappointment and regret comes out of that. then there's the loneliness. so many people make the mistake of letting their loneliness drive them into the arms of a person they know is not right for them. i know it because i've done it. as for that "release"? well, there are booty calls, one-night stands, friends with benefits... most of us have partaken in it, but i prefer to have some emotional connection for any of that "release" to be satisfyingly fulfilled than to have a hella fine guy with a shitty personality be there for those kinds of activities.

so, after having enough failed attempts at relationships and dating, i'm joining a convent. it's either that or becoming the crazy cat lady but i'm allergic to cats which means i'll only be crazy. sorry, i disappoint. for now, i daydream about my soul mate and i, staring lovingly into each others' eyes... running together into the sunset... talking nonsense and loving it, planning vacations, attending parties, making babies, saving up for sustainable housing, driving identical hybrid cars, wait, what?! ok, maybe not so much about the latter three... if not a soul mate, just a great, respectful lover— er, friend, i meant FRIEND, will do. i mean, he doesn't necessarily have to be "the one," but he definitely shouldn't break my heart either.