i run around in circles, directionless, wanting to be somewhere but having nowhere to go, nowhere to be. i feel uncomfortable being in my own body and existing in my own mind no matter where i am, who i'm with, what i'm doing...
i feel restless, but tired. i can't sit still, but i want to sleep forever.
i need something greater than myself to feel alive again.
when i visit places like these, i wish they weren't so tourist-laden. kinda takes away the spirit of a place. but then again, i'm a tourist, too, so who am i to say such things?
this is a bit overdue because i've been "distracted".
anyway, i always think that when you're with good company, the food always tastes better. xobreakfast.com came through for a visit a few weeks ago, which meant i got to eat, and eat well.
some of the places we visited:
gregoire's, outerlands, the mill, dandelion chocolate, trouble coffee, ici, tartine
i want to try every single dish at outerlands. gregoire's was superb. the mill: i would like my coffee made everyday by the barista that made my coffee that day. also, i didn't think i'd ever pay $7 for toast, but i did. it wasn't as good as the toast at trouble coffee, but the coffee at the mill, the coffee!!
i've had chocolate from dandelion, so i tried the frozen hot chocolate. it was a dose of creamy, rich, cold chocolate goodness that day. i think i downed it in less than 15 minutes.
love, love, love...
a weekend trip to point reyes meant taking a quick stop to tomales bay oyster company and hauling your picnic over to tomales bay state park to shuck the oysters! i've not eaten so many different oysters in one day that, i think after my sixth one, i was done, but i kept eating them. heh. when am i soon going to get another opportunity like this was the reasoning behind it. i also learned to shuck the oysters that day. there was no blood and i did not hurt myself.
the smaller oysters are my favorite. the bigger ones were kinda hard to take. i think it's the texture. there really isn't that much flavor, but so, so great with lemon, truffle oil, and tabasco sauce.
looking forward to the next one...
i long for days like these... to be elsewhere.
cold wind, frozen hands, and hair in my eyes...
i've been coming to a realization the past couple of weeks. this shouldn't be a surprise because i've been coming to a lot of realizations lately. actually, it's not even a realization. it's more like, a confrontation with something i completely put aside because i was in denial about it being THE root cause of what was making it so hard for me to be with someone, or pursue someone i was completely interested in. i also didn't want to give my ex that much credit. in any case, i joke a lot about being single, and the dilemmas and trials and tribulations of... i enjoy being single–the freedom, the 'not-having-to-be-obligated' to do some things, making decisions and plans only for myself and no other... everything that comes with not being in a relationship, basically. but while being single is great, and every article/quote/aphorism for single people out there advises them to welcome, embrace, and accept it, i still long to be with someone. yea, it sucks to be single most of the time. mostly because i've been doing it for a while now, and you can only tell yourself so many times, "who cares if i'm going to this event by myself?," or, "damn, i wish i could share this moment with someone oh well just be grateful that i'm even alive right now," or, pretending to enjoy your solitude so much you don't realize you're actually feeling really lonely... and alone. advice related to: don't ever go to dinner at a restaurant alone. breakfast, lunch, brunch is ok. but dinner, no!
back to this realization, confrontation, whatever you wanna call it... it's familiar to most, and might not even be that surprising. this thing that i speak of, this evil thing that keeps us from growing and becoming better people... this gross thing... is... FEAR!!! yikes. fear of getting hurt, fear of losing everything you gave to make something work, fear of feeling jealous, insecure, distrust, fear of having to go through the motions after a break-up... fear, fear, fear...
some background, perhaps? i was in a relationship with someone for almost six years. we were a month shy of reaching six, to be exact. looking back, a huge part of me wishes i could have cut it short to three or something, or whenever it felt so very wrong already. but when you're young and in love, it makes you stupid. anyway, the relationship ended badly, so bad i hyperventilated and didn't know what to do with myself except sit in my car and cry hysterically while also trying to come up with a plan for vengeance. haha. not really. it was the most painful thing i'd ever gone through that i think i would rather have a spinal tap than have to go through it again (i'll be eating these words if that ever happens, i know). after that relationship were a few failed attempts at dating, and short-lived relationships, and of course with that, were more heartaches. certainly, at this point i've learned a lot of things, except those "lot of things" didn't include really facing those fears. i thought i was good to go again after i felt like i'd "healed" or whatever. it's been almost six years since i've had a "real" relationship (why am i constantly running through the six with my woes?), but with this realization, i feel like i'm back to where square one beta version. actually, more like squareone.6. there are and will be lots of glitches, but man, i'mma try to make it to the real deal holyfield.
sidenote: if i could, though it's probably too late and everyone's moved on, i would say sorry and apologize to some of the guys that put a lot of effort and all i did was push them away. it's not you, it's me.
